1. Selections from Caroline Mosby's joke email list
A) English Impatient
Lets face it
English is a stupid language.
There is no egg in the eggplant
No ham in the hamburger
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not
invented in England French fries were not invented in France.
sometimes take English for granted
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that Quicksand takes you down
Boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
write, how come fingers don't fing.
If the plural of tooth is teeth
Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth
If the teacher
Why didn't the preacher praught.
If a vegetarian eats vegetables
What the heck does a humanitarian eat!?
Why do people recite at a play
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways
How can the weather be as hot as hell on one day And as cold as hell on
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
Of a language where a house can burn up as It burns down And in which
you fill in a form
By filling it out
And a bell is only heard once it goes!
English was invented by people, not computers
And it reflects the
creativity of the human race (Which of course isn't a race at all) That
When the stars are out they are visible
But when the lights are out they are invisible And why it is that when I
wind up my watch It starts
But when I wind up this poem
B) A little old lady and a bet
A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!"
After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!).
The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$ 165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?"
The old lady replied, "I make bets."
The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"
The old woman said,"Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square."
"Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"
"Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!"
The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?"
"Sure!" replied the confident president.
That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!"
The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.
"Well, okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."
Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?"
She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $ 100,000 that at 10:00 am today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."
C) A bear walks into a bar...
A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer. The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.
The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings." The bear goes to the end of the bar, and as promised, eats the woman.
He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer. The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings that are on drugs."
The bear says, "I'm not on drugs."
The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."
2. A Recent History - Social Intercourse July 12 - 29, 2003
Saturday July 12
Two of the best summer parties happened this night! I was lucky to have rural Ontario's sexiest on a three way date with Kim & Dai of art's daring darlings Fastwurms - two of my most fav folks on earth!
Barr Gilmore's Surprise B-Day Party at his beaux's Michael's house was on of the summer's best!! Happy B-Day Barr - I am sorry I was in the loo when you walked in but, I heard that a heart attack was not out of the question by the look on your face when you walked in!!
Susan MacKay's Pre WW1 themed party was also amazing with lovely with gorgeous and smart people in all directions. Stunning semi-period party frocks were worn by our hostess Susan MacKay and Jowita, Ceclia Brekovic, Jiva with Simone Moir almost stealing the fashion parade in her sparkly b&w dress! Susan's white wine punch was the best ever. The real treat of this do, was hanging around with Christie Cameron and getting to listen to her historical chat with Jay Issac!
Monday July 14
Taken by Steven or is Stephen Speilberg, does he deserve correct spelling? Any way I have not missed an episode of this lackluster yet thoroughly engrossing miniseries. Aliens are almost always interesting. Only the CBC could eradicate all of Speilberg's aesthetics or any other director's for that matter. Perhaps the CBC has been so avant guard in its approach to shooting that Spielberg is finally catching up? Susan Mackay and RM Vaughn were guests for viewing pizza and wings were served.
Friday July 18
Peroxide was fabulous as per usual. I was lucky enough to have the best date in Toronto - Shannon Cochrane (Sahnnon 2000). We rocked out on the dance floor directly in front of the large fan to keep the smoky sauna at bay. Will spun exceptionally wicked dance tunes - thanks Will. All of the Mercer - YYZ - Instant Coffee art connection / mob were there with their best clothes and moves! It was great to go out after an especially harrowing week in terms of funding cuts to C via the Canada Council. "I'm not afraid of the Canada Council." as John Bentley Mays said. Ditto girlfriend!
Saturday July 19
I went to see Charlie's Angels alone at teen-town - the Paramount. I usually hate going to see movies on Tues or Sat night because of all the teen angst energy but I managed to endure. I love going by myself because if I waited to see movies with friends I would never see anything! This movie fuckin rocks - it was soooo bad - and Demi Moore plays herself a spoiled millionaire pouty forty something bitch and it is the best role she has ever had! I am so in love with Cameron Diaz who steals the (w)hole movie with her cutie butt and winning personality. I love how there was no attempt at character development it would have ruined the whole thing. Definitely worth watching or a future rental. Pure cheese with no soul - perfect for summer viewing, completely devoid of art - so refreshing.
I had the best phone sex ever after the Angels. I don't usually go all the way over the phone but this gentleman caller was special and very instructive! x0x0x0x0
Sunday July 20
I had brunch with Allyson Mitchell at the Beaver Cafe on Queen near the Gladstone and a preview of Allyson's new studio at same hotel. (local fab gal Meagan Whitten was serving x0x0x) Al has the most amazing space - perfect early afternoon with catch up gossip session. Thanks Al. Your fans and friends are soooo happy you are back in town and not going to Michigan to the Separatist Festival-(oops) this summer so we can have you all to ourselves.
Monday July 21
More BC (read foggy and dank) located silliness on CBC via Speilberg.
Wednesday July 23
Lex Vaughan and I met to put forward and finalize plans for The Michael Jackson Project which we are co-curating at Zsa Zsa August 16 - 30, 2003. Reception Aug 29 8 - 11 pm.
Friday July 25
Birthday Party for Paul Forsyth Happy 70 th Birthday - Paul your skin is so supple for your age! A lovely party at the super relaxed Done Right Inn was in order. Kristen Johnston, Gerred Mitchell & his sweetheart b-friend John, RM Vaughan, Miss Teen Portugal (Paul) & his bearfreind, Susie & Cary, Anastasia and a neighbouring table's dog Frankie were in attendance. Frankie the Basset hound chased around and popped balloons for our entertainment all night. I didn't make it to Vazeleen - I hope everyone had a great time.
Saturday July 26
My Dad's Birthday - Happy Birthday!
I had great business meeting with Paul Petro and helped the mutli-talented, cutie Dennis Day take down his stunning fun-fur flowers from the window space at Paul's.
Scott McEwan and I went to see Laura Crotch, Twat Raider, The Craddle of Life at the new Rainbow Cinemas - only $8.50 on a Sat night. This was quite possibly the worst movies with only Howard the Duck surpassing Crotch as bad summer fare. There were three things worth noting in this flimsy film
1) Terry Sheridan - Crotch's male counterpart in this disaster - he is real easy on the eyes - thighs.
2) Crotch's prefabbed; digitally modified bod is pleasant to look at especially in the silver wet suit in Greece. (but I would look great in a silver wet suite in Greece!) location, location, location
3) How the "British" actors pronounced the name Terry Sheridan - all nasally and drawn out in the best fakey Brit accenty actor ways!
Sunday July 27
Afternoon House Music Revival Party, Sip at Scott McEwan's was an amazing party and Scott played Paris Is Burning. Lots of hunky guys there like John McLachlin & Jason, Kelly McKray, Luis Jacob, Joel Gibb -(gobbalicious) Nick, Brian, Tim, Carl, Stacey and of course our hostess pretty Scott. Gorgeous gal pals Petra and Tina also made an appearance. Yes Yes Yes!
Monday July 28
Allyson and Susan snuggled in to watch the brief glimpses of alien flesh with pizza, wings and chocolate. Perf.
Two Week Overview
All of July included a BOD Meetings for C and A Space respectively. Lots of social stuff without a lot of openings - I have been trying to take a little hiatus from openings. Goddddd, the parks seem quiet this summer or have I lost interest?
Congrats To Kate and Andrew on their new house! Sarah & Matt on their new baby Winifred! JJ and Jamie for their wedding in August!
3. Learned and Rembered by Milena Placentile
10.07.03 - I talk too much, but sometimes it works out in my favour.
11.07.03 - You can minimize the appearance of clutter in a kitchen simply by
reducing the presence of fridge magnets.
12.07.03 - If I'd started my degree one year sooner (as originally planned)
its unlikely that I would have arranged the same internship, which means all
of the amazing people I met over the course of those three months would
never have come into my life.
13.07.03 - Some people are better off as friends.
14.07.03 - Never overlook the amount of responsibility eyebrows have upon
15.07.03 - Home is where the consistent roof is.
16.07.03 - Not everyone will be as friendly, as polite or as generous in
17.07.03 - Clint wasn't lying when he said it was strong weed.
18.07.03 - Even though we generally look like guests at a cocktail party,
we've still goth it.
19.07.03 - Goddamned, I know a lot of people!
20.07.03 - Belle and Sebastian is composed of seven members, none of whom
are named Belle or Sebastian.
21.07.03 - Deadlines were in April.
22.07.03 - Champagne is best served with no sentiment attatched.
23.07.03 - Someone online has attempted to assume my personality.
24.07.03 - My "gregarious nature can be intimidating for some but was
25.07.03 - Loitering on Queen Street at 3:00 a.m. still rocks.
26.07.03 - Apparently I'm giving off a "vibe". Oh for fuck sakes!
27.07.03 - Haruki Murakami can be added to the list of writers I enjoy so
deeply that its only with reluctance that I read the last chapters of their
books because I don't want them to end.
28.07.03 - Deep deep down I'm really just a great big lazy-ass slacker.
29.07.03 - The dreams I have when I sleep during the day are far more lucid
and definitely more insightful.
30.07.03 - There is still awkwardness.
31.07.03 - The most satisfying response I can have prompted by a work of art
is an urge to become physical. If I want to touch it / poke it / kick it /
smell it / bite it / push it / stand on it / get inside of it / lick it or
in some other way affect it as it has affected me, then I know its great.
01.08.03 - Ulysses is so sweet because he fell into a cauldron of toffee
when he was five, but also because he once fell asleep while eating a candy
apple. The apple became fused to his head as a result of this and could only
be removed by way of surgery.
02.08.03 - It doesn't matter what you do -- if the rhinestones want to fall
off, they're just going to fall off. End of story.
03.08.03 - Nothing like a good wedding to tear people apart.
14.07.03 - Why didn't someone tell me I had caterpillars on my face?
15.07.03 - Simon Says: Saturn Says: "Prose composed underneath is
16.07.03 - What Brian wrote about comparative shopping...
17.07.03 - So many times on that street and I don't think I ever noticed
that particularly ugly building with hideously thin rectangular windows.
It's a provincial court and suddenly strangely familiar. Being short. A
seemingly endless stack of those dreadful windows. An off-white wool-ish
coat. Someone else's shiny black hair.
18.07.03 - Catch 22.
19.07.03 - Oh my gawd... Camp Enterprise.
20.07.03 - Sonnabend did not attempt to deny that the experience of memory
existed. However, his entire body of work was predicated on the idea that
what we experience as memories are in fact confabulations artificial
constructions of our own design built around sterile particles of retained
experience which we attempt to make live again by infusions of imagination -
much as the blacks and whites of old photographs are enhanced by the
addition of colors or tints in attempt to add life to a frozen moment.
21.07.03 - When I wanted to run away from home Blair said I could stay at
22.07.03 - Professor Johnston rocks!
23.07.03 - I'm an idiot and obsess over stupid things that I can't control
24.07.03 - JAGG
25.07.03 - Precisely why I hate jocks.
26.07.03 - Getting close and closer and closer as we danced to In Search of
27.07.03 - Standing on the Wiwaxy Gap, still not quite sure how we got
28.07.03 - Closing up the flower shop during business hours and sneaking out
for Funky Monkey ice cream with Erico.
29.07.03 - Receiving noise complaints from "old people" while the world was
30.07.03 - Jens adamantly and *physically* intervening as the bartender came
-this- close to putting an olive in his martini.
31.07.03 - Mrs. Condacurri flushing the word "nice" down the toilet as to
encourage growth in our vocabularies.
01.08.03 - The manager of the grocery store across the street from my
apartment offering the information that he's a fashion photographer and can
do photos for me... if I ever need them.
02.08.03 - The cute little goth boy at Cut n' Paste with huuuuuuuge hair and
a lunch box filled with stickers.
03.08.03 - Purple, purple, purple, purple, blue, blue, blue, blue VS purple,
blue, purple, blue, purple, blue, purple, blue.
4. Timothy's Unusal Week in Review
Sat. Sept 20 |
I catch the midnight Go Train home. Transferring to the bus to take me to Ajax, I notice this one guy picking on another. When we get off the bus in Ajax, the person being picked on confronts the person, and this quickly escalates. The fella is hit and knocked unconscious. At this point, I see someone run up from behind me, who I thought was running in to break up the fight, but instead, upon reaching the scene, kicks the unconscious person in the head. A crowd gathers and administers first aid, the ambulance comes, people on cell phones have called 911 and reported the license plate number of the car that was waiting to pick up the person who was being picked on (and who hit the guy).
Sun. Sept 21 | I get my passport photos taken at Costco. The pictures remind me that I need a haircut.
Jade comes over and I help her with some stuff. We buy groceries and eat a wonderful meal. I miss seeing The Gathering Storm on CBC.
Mon. Sept 23 |
In town for a YYZ Board Meeting, I rent The Gathering Storm from Queen St video.
In a daze after a contentious Board Meeting, I neglect to pay attention to the traffic lights and am almost hit by a white SUV while crossing the street by Union Station. A caught in the headlights moment is followed by a little dance anticipating dodging this environmentally insulting several ton behemoth, which nevertheless has a good set of brakes, and does a little dance of its own as it skids to a halt. Chalk that one up to luck, and catch the train.
I watched The Gathering Storm and enjoyed it.
Tues. Sept 24 |
A police officer shows up at the door wanting to speak to me. He delivers a subpoena for me to testify in court on Thur. Oct 2, regarding a motorcylce accident I witnessed in March.
I tried to watch Tarkovsky's Solaris but halfway through I was bored and stopped it.
Wed. Sept 25 |
While ridding the Go Train into work, an older man got on with bags and banged on the overhead thinking there was storage up there. I pointed to the empty seats across from me, and he accepted. This prompted an handshake and he asked my what I was reading (The Virgin Blue by Tracy Chevalier). He drops a God booklet on the table in front of me. I say thank you, and go back to my book. He sits down and talks with the straightlaced freaks he got on with (why do these people who identify with christianity have such a creepy fashion sense?) Then he returns for the sunglasses and hat he left at my table. Sitting down he asks me where I'm from, and then asks my name. "Timothy" I say. "Timothy, like in the Bible!?" I nod . "Tell me, is Timothy a born again Christian?" I say no. He asks me what I believe, and I mumble something about following Catholicism. He starts that this isn't enough, I need to be born again, I need the salvation of Jesus. I ask, "How do you know?" and he says it says so in the Bible. "But that's just a book like this one," I say, holding up the novel. Of course he doesn't agree, and starts to reply, when I lose my cool.
I bang on the table with my right hand and say, "Listen sir, I'm on the train here going to work, trying to read my book, and I don't want to talk about this Christian shit. If I'm going to Hell it's my business, not yours, so you go sit over there", pointing to seat from which he's come. He raises his hands are raised in submission, and says, I respect you for saying that, I'll leave you alone. With regard to religion there's commentary and interpretation and the history - that I find fascinating. But proselytizing I find insulting to one's intelligence.
I tried to finish watching Solaris but it put me to sleep as all Tarkovsky movies tend to do to me.
Thu. Sept 26 |
This day was safely conventional.
Fri. Sept 27 |
I go downtown to meet with Jin and Jon to go to Kitchener, which is a total waste of our time. We then return to the city to party all night.
Sat. Sept 28 |
Returning to Ajax on the train, I have a conversation with an 18 year old girl who is studying journalism, since she would one day like to either start a magazine or a bookstore. The conversation is pleasant until she begins to describe her fascination with vampires, martial arts, weaponry, and being the witness to shootings and decapitations ("when I was 7, a man was working on his van when it suddenly fell on him and his head popped off, and I asked my mother, 'is that going to go back on?' 'uh, no, let's go in the house'") in addition to the story of a friend's father who had worked as a correspondent in "the west bank or somewhere in the middle east" who, following a hot tip, went to a certain location at a certain time, heard a dumptruck appear, do it's business and leave, and upon investigation found a mound of freshly decapitated heads. "He's been in therapy ever since, he can't sleep well; every time he closes his eyes, he sees the open eyes of the heads staring up at him".